Secured Card – Back That Thang Up

Can’t get a credit card? Better apply for a secured card. The way a secured card works is that you have to put money into a checking account beforehand, can’t touch it. Then, if you can’t pay your bill: whoop! The credit company yanks the cash out of the account. A secured card is the equivalent of making a bet with someone, say over how many times you can spin around in a chair in thirty seconds. If you bet thirty dollars, but your bookie knows you have never had thirty dollars, you can reach into your pocket and show him the thirty dollars. The bookie will make the bet with you and then take your thirty dollars when you lose. This is how a secured card works, and there is no other analogy suitable, so don’t try to think of one. A secured card lets the credit company know that you will be able to pay your bill and especially useful, in their view, for people who can’t for the life of them manage to limit their spending to things they can afford. This way, they can still get the interest and cash from people without the risk of losing any money. It is a moral obligation to separate a stupid person from his money, and credit companies understand this.

More Information on the Secured Card

Every company has their own secured card. For example, Discover and American Express. And they most likely will pay the deposit fees and all that on the checking account you’ve set up for your secured card, since it’s their fault you had to open it anyway. If they’d just give you a lousy card we could avoid all this crap, right? Right. Visa’s secured card (we’ll call it the secured Visa card, for convenience’s sake) works just like a real Visa card. It’s kind of like a learner’s permit–one of those ones that look like a driver’s license unless you look real close at it and see that it says Learner’s Permit on it. Flash this baby around at your favorite gas station or grocery store and let everyone think you’re responsible. A good life has never been so within reach!

The secured MasterCard is a bit more dubious, but pleasant enough. It is a moody card, and its magnetic stripe sometimes peels off and clings to your skin. This can cause cancer due to the toxic levels of radium in the metal compound. The tiny bits of magnetic iron can bore into your flesh and infect the tissue, causing inflammation and nearly instant amputation. Overuse of this kind of secured card is very dangerous and should not be used by old people or people with extra-sticky skin. Also of note is the irony in the term “secured”, considering that the stripe is not “secured” at all. This is ironic. Because the implied meaning contradicts the actual case. Irony is not, “I was late for my meeting so I ran a red light and when I got there it turned out the meeting was tomorrow, not today. Isn’t that ironic?” No, it’s not. That’s a bummer, if anything. Irony is very specific. People don’t realize this. Maybe if they got smarter about things like this we could avoid so much credit card debt. If they understood English and didn’t go around misusing words like idiots, then perhaps they could read the little pamphlets that comes with their secured cards and learn about all the fees that come with the card. They’d know what they were getting into and would use their cards wisely. Wouldn’t that be ironic? (No.) If they were really smart, they would apply for the best secured credit card they could find, hence the advent of the best secured card.

More Information, Continued

Another thing about irony is that it’s seriously like going around misusing a word completely and inexplicably wrong, and yet people do it anyway. Like saying, “Hey I stepped on a mouse and then it turned out the mouse pooped all over my shoe. Isn’t that perpendicular?” Or, “I needed a bowl for my cereal, but all the bowls were dirty so I had to use a plate. But then it turned out I didn’t have any cereal left anyway. Isn’t that purple?” It is our sincere hope that with time we can correct these sins, and we believe it starts with us, at home, and with the secured credit card. Let’s get started today on a better tomorrow.

All material copyright © 2008 About Secured Cards. All rights reserved.

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